Blood, Love, and Rhetoric
by Salatrel
Summary: An article in the Interplanetary Enquirer sends Han, Chewie, Luke and Wedge on a grand adventure


Blood, Love,and Rhetoric

Disclaimer: All of it belongs to George Lucas. The characters, the ships, the planets... all of it. Except the ones I made up. And the situations. Those are my intellectual property, and if you steal them I'll kick your ass. You won't want them anyway... like the title says, they're pretty demented situations.

* * *

 Chapter 1- Love, Vengeance, and Mass Media

Leia Organa Solo sat at her desk in the New Republic government center. It had been a hard day; besides the endless senate meetings and papers to sign, the Bith had threatened to pull out of the Republic because her husband, Han Solo, had made a joke about kloo horns on the interplanetary holonet. The joke concerned a kloo horn player who went into a cantina and left his horn on the dashboard of his landspeeder. When he came out, he saw his speeder's windshield smashed and the doors dented, as if someone had broken in. Panicking, he ran towards it, fearing his kloo horn had been stolen. Instead, he saw two kloo horns in the speeder. Most people had thought it was funny. The Bith had been very offended. Leia sighed, brushed her hair back off her face, and opened her desk drawer. She pulled out her favorite magazine, her guilty pleasure reading- the Interplanetary Inquirer. The trashiest magazine in the galaxy, it included stories like "Emperor Palpatine alive and well and living in island paradise!" and "Imperial propaganda film star joins Republic fighter squadron!". Leia opened the magazine to the table of contents and skimmed down the page. One title caught her eye immediately. It was called "Han and Chewie- the real story." and it was on page five. Curious, Leia turned to page 5 and was treated to a full color glossy photo of her husband and his Wookie friend, lips locked in a passionate kiss. The picture was captioned, "What do you think they do in hyperspace?"

She gasped in shock. Could it be true? _I'd never had any reason to suspect... or had I? All those times when Han and Chewbacca had gone off to supposedly make a treaty with the smugglers alliance, and returned weeks later than expected, with the political situation unchanged. I thought they'd spent the whole time playing sabbac and swapping stories with their old buddies, but could it be that they had been...? And weren't they even now making speeches on Klackdor VII, four hyperspace days away? Four long lonely days in hyperspace?_ Leia dropped her head into her hands and began to weep. All these years her husband had been unfaithful, and she'd never noticed. The devious bastard, going behind her back like that! "I bet they were together even before he met me." she muttered. "All I was for him was a diversion." Not knowing where she would go, Leia picked up the magazine and left her office.

@}~~}~~~~

Admiral Ackbar lifted his head as Leia stumbled into his office. A bolt of pain lanced his heart as he saw that she'd been crying. _In all these years since I first saw you, across the Endor briefing room that day, all these years I've known you, ...loved you... I've never seen you cry. They say you didn't cry when your world was destroyed, not when you learned Vader was your father. What could possibly be so terrible now? If I could only take your pain from you I would, no matter how terrible. Someone as beautiful as you should not suffer._ Ackbar got up from his desk and helped her sit down on his ocean blue couch. Sitting down next to her, he put one hand on her shoulder and asked her what the matter was. In reply, she held out a page ripped from the Interplanetary Inquirer. Ackbar blinked his fish eyes in shock as he looked at the picture. _Could it be...? If it was true, Leia might leave her husband. She might go to another man... maybe me! Oh, if only!_ But that was not the issue now. He had to comfort Leia. Taking her hands in his, he said, "It can't be true, Leia. Han loves you more than anything in the galaxy." But not more than I love you. All these years...

Leia sobbed. "But not more than he loves Chewie!" She took her hands out of Ackbar's, then threw her arms around him and wept against his chest. Astonished at her touch, and with highly inappropriate thoughts running through his mind, Ackbar slowly encircled her body with his arms and held her until she stopped sobbing.

@}~~}~~~~

Chewbacca pushed the scattered pages of the Interplanetary Enquirer off the flight console with one furry paw and made a minute course adjustment. As the paper fluttered to the floor, one picture caught his eye. He let out a traumatized roar. Immediately, Han came running to the cockpit, a towel around his waist and his hair full of shampoo. Chewbacca grunted and waved the magazine, his eyes wide with outrage. Han groaned.

"The Interplanetary Enquirer?!?" he complained. "You got me out of the shower for that rag? Geez, I thought we were being attacked by- what the hell is that?" Han grabbed the paper out of the Wookie's hand. "That's disgusting! Er... no offense, Chewie. But just let me catch that bastard of an editor!" Han crumpled the picture up and threw it to the floor. "Chewie, drop us out of hyperspace and set a new course for Coruscant!"

@}~~}~~~~

Luke Skywalker sat cross legged on the floor of his dimly lit apartment in the Imperial Palace. A twelve inch tall holographic image of Han Solo stood in front of him, shouting and brandishing a crumpled picture. Luke sighed. "Han, I've told you, a Jedi does not take revenge."

Han stopped his ranting and smiled. "So you won't help me with my revenge? How about your revenge?" Luke blinked in confusion. "My revenge? what revenge?"

Han disappeared for a moment, then returned with another issue of the Enquirer. By squinting and using the Force to enhance his vision, he could just make out the headline through the static of the hololink. "Skywalker and Antilles- X-Schwing!"

Luke drew back in shock. Han grinned and dropped the magazine. "Still not taking revenge?" he asked.

"It's not revenge," rationalized Luke. "I'm protecting my good name."

"Sure you are." agreed Han. "I'll swing by the spaceport with the Falcon at fifteen hundred."

@}~~}~~~~

As Han walked down the Millenium Falcon's ramp he was greeted by Wedge. "Hey, Han, how are you?" asked the X-wing pilot. "What brings you to the Imperial Palace?"

"Revenge." answered Han. "Where's Luke?"

"What are you going to do to him?"

"No, not revenge on him." Han handed Wedge the clippings from the magazines. "I'm picking him up so we can go strike fear into the heart of the Interplanetary Inquirer."

Wedge examined the picture of Han and Chewie, then the article about Luke and himself. "You read this junk? Hey, how come you guys got a picture?" he asked. At Han's horrified expression, Wedge explained, "You shouldn't take these so seriously. It's not like anyone believes what they write in the Enquirer. I mean, look at this. 'Darth Vader alive, well, and seen getting funky in a Bespin Discotheque'? It's not supposed to be serious. I hope."

"Yeah, well I suppose it's all very well for you." replied Han. "You've probably gotten this all your life. I mean, with a name like Wedge... " he laughed. "I bet you got beaten up a lot as a kid."

Wedge raised his hands to fend off that topic of conversation. "Hey. Let's not talk about my traumatic junior high years. I still have the physical and emotional scars. But maybe you're right. I mean, you have got a wife and kids to think about." And _I've got that bastard Spike. I bet he's looking at this and laughing his smug football player ass off. I'll never forget that day in seventh grade when I walked into the bathroom and saw him painting the whole place with the slogan "Wedge Antillies is a faggot". That spray paint never did wash off completely, and I still think my friends say things like, "Wedge Antillies? I went to school with him. What a wuss. I think Spike beat the crap out of him every day!" And then there was that dirty trick he played with the frozen pizza... _Wedge snapped out of his flashback. _If I don't stop having those,_ he thought, _I'll have to seek some professional help_. "Say, maybe I'll go strike some fear, too." he said, turning towards Han. "Can you wait a few minutes while I power up my X-wing?"

@}~~}~~~~

Ackbar was awakened early in the morning by his aching back. He was pressed into the back of the couch, still cradling the sleeping Leia. He'd held her all night, he remembered, until she'd cried herself into a fitful sleep in his arms. After being absolutely sure she would not soon awaken, he'd bent his head down and kissed her softly on the lips. Ackbar closed his eyes. Despite the ache in his back from sleeping sitting up, despite his legs being asleep and the couch's pattern transferred to his left arm, this had been the happiest night of his life. He shifted Leia in his arms, then stood up. _She hardly weighs anything_, he thought as he carried her to the quarters in the Palace she shared with Han. She'd be alone there, Han was probably meeting with the President of Klackdor VII right now, but better that than her waking up in his office. What would Mon Mothma think if she dropped by for an early morning meeting? Suddenly, Ackbar realized Mon Mothma was coming to his office that morning for an early meeting, at 0800 hours. Shifting Leia in his arms, Ackbar glanced at his chronometer- 0753. Damn! He'd have to hurry now. Frantically, he keyed in the lock code to Leia's door, trying three times before his shaking hands could navigate the keypad. Finally, the doors slid open, and Ackbar carried Leia into her quarters

She's so beautiful! Ackbar thought, laying Leia on the bed. Carefully, he lifted her head and placed a pillow underneath, then pulled the blankets over her and tucked her in. He looked at his chrono again. 0757. He had three minutes. He bent down over the object of his passion and gingerly planted a kiss on her hair. She stirred and pulled the blankets closer around her. With one fin-like hand, Ackbar stroked her hair. Once again, impossible dreams rose to his mind, of him and Leia together, swimming in the cerulean oceans of Calamari, or walking on the pristine yellow beaches of Dantooine. _Push these thoughts from your mind, Ackbar_. he told himself. _She will never be yours_. He turned and exited the bedroom. 

@}~~}~~~~

"Luke! Open up already!" Han yelled, pounding at the door to Luke Skywalker's apartments. "Come on! Do you want to kick ass, or not? I'm not waiting any longer! I'm serious! Open the door!" He raised his hand to bang on the door once more, halting his swing too late as the doors slid open. Luke ducked as Han's fist sliced the air where his head used to be.

"Hello, Han." He said in his customary peaceful manner. "Sorry I took so long to answer. I was... meditating."

Han looked at Luke's disheveled clothing, at his hair in disarray, at the still-ignited lightsaber he held in his hand, at the blaster thrown in a corner, at the burn marks on the walls and the shredded curtains. "Sure you were. What happened in there?

"Nothing. Nothing at all. It was ...like this when I moved in. Let's go."

@}~~}~~~~

Wedge popped open the canopy of his X-wing and waved a greeting as Han walked into the docking bay, a frazzled and dazed Luke trailing behind him. "Hey, Han, Luke. Ready to strike fear into the hearts of... What happened to you?"

Han rolled his eyes. "He was meditating." Luke glared daggers at him and said nothing.

"Seriously."

"I was practicing saber technique. I got a bit carried away."

Wedge looked hard at his friend. "You don't look well. Are you sure you should be flying?

"I'm fine, Wedge. Never been better. Can we get going?"

"All right," shrugged Wedge, sealing his X-wing's cockpit over himself. Once in the privacy of its enveloping bubble, he grumbled, "I save your ass countless times, and all you can give me is 'fine, never been better'? Sheesh. I wonder why I bother." _But you know why you bother, don't you?_ "Shut up." _Come on, admit it. They were right about you, Wedge._ "Shut up." _Look at him. Can you honestly deny it?_ "Yes. Yes I can. Shut up."

"Wedge?"

"Han?!?"

"Who were you talking to?"

"Um... my astromech. It can really be a bastard sometimes."

"Mhm." said Han, sounding not at all convinced.

@}~~}~~~~~

Leia jerked awake as her computer console beeped in her ear. _Oh SHIT!_ She thought, sitting up with a jerk. _I was supposed to call Han and see how it went with the Bith..._ Then she remembered the article. _That bastard. I bet he didn't even talk to the Bith. He probably never arrived on Klackdor VII. He's on one of those pleasure planets with that damn Wookie, more likely. What an absoulute..._ The console beeped again. She had a holonet communication coming in, she noticed, from Klackdor VII. Angrily, she hit the keypad and a holographic Han Solo appeared before her.

"Leia?"

"Hello, Han." the princess replied icily. "Having fun?"

Han looked confused. "Fun?" he repeated blankly

"On your diplomatic mission.."

"Well, um... Actually Leia..." Han started. Leia smiled triumphantly. _He knows. He knows I know about him and Chewie. I can tell from his shifty-eyed expression, from his fidgeting. He's turning bright red. It's no use, Han darling. You can't hide it from me. Sorry you got caught, aren't you? I'll let you stew in your guilt for a while._ Leia snapped back to reality when she heard Han say, quite unexpectedly, "And Chewie and I are going to fucking kill those bastards at the Enquirer for that goddamn article."

Now Leia was confused. "Enquirer? The Interplanetary Enquirer? But what about your mission to Klackdor VII? Who's going to keep the Bith in the republic now? And so the article's not true then? You're not ... um... you know.... with Chewie?"

"Leia!" Han gasped, horrified. "With Chewie? You'd think that after all this time you 'd know that I have better standards than that."

"Of course, dear" Leia agreed weakly. "I never doubted you for an instant."

@}~~}~~~~

"What do you mean, he doesn't work here anymore?!?" roared Han. 

Behind the front desk, the receptionist for the Interplanetary Enquirer pulled her head partially into her shell and raised her dorsal spines in terror. "I'm sorry, sir" she whimpered. "He's been sent to our Corellian branch on assignment. You'll have to go there if you want to speak to him."

"Go there? For the love of the Sith, what's wrong with the fucking Holonet?"

The receptionist drew her head completely into her shell. "Sir, he's working on a story. His holonet access is strictly limited to matters relevent to..." She broke of and extended her head out of her shell. The belligerent human was gone, leaving the doors swinging behind him. Two vaguely familiar looking humans in New Republic flight suits stood in front of the desk, looking much less adversarial than the first. "May I help you?" the receptionist asked, her voice still quavering with residual fear.

"What can you tell us about the writer of this article?" asked the dark-haired one politely, handing her a frayed and wrinkled issue from several years back. Circled in red marker was a column with the headline, "Skywalker and Antillies- X-Schwing!"

The receptionist looked up at the two men, doing a double take as she realized who they were. Trying hard not to laugh, she entered the headline and issue number into the computer terminal. _They'd make a cute couple, at that, _she thought absently as she tapped one beautifully manicured fingernail against the keyboard, waiting for the computer to finish processing. When the information appeared on her screen she sighed in discouragement, hoping these two wouldn't make a scene. "It's like I told the man ahead of you, sirs. He's been transfered to Corellia for a story. Please don't hurt me."

The human she recognised as Skywalker stepped closer to the desk. "Can you tell us where we might find him there?"

Glancing at the computer screen, she elaborated, "He's in the Altec City area, sir, working on a story about..." she faltered. "er... Commander Antilles. Sir."

"Altec City. Thank you." said Skywalker, as Antillies gaped at her in shock. The two humans turned and left the office, leaving the receptionist shaking her head in amazement.

@}~~}~~~~

Chapter 2- Broken Vows and Broken Arms

Ackbar was in agony. He paced the corridors of the old Imperial Palace restlessly, as he had been doing for the last two hours. As he had done incalcuable times, he passed Leia's door, paused, raised one hand as if to knock, stopped mid-action, and kept on walking. _I love you so much,_ he thought. _Oh, for the courage to tell you..._

@}~~}~~~~

Leia sat by her comm unit anxiously. For the hundredth time, she wondered if she should just call Han and end her misery. Sure, he'd already denied that he and Chewie were lovers, but _of couse_ he would! And any number of suspect denials couldn't measure up to what she'd seen in the _Enquirer _ that morning. "Han and Chewie follow-up!" it had read. Underneath that was a dreadfully detailed article, complete with more of those awful pictures. After something like that was published, would he call her at all? Would he dare? Would he even want to? Or would he just run off with that damn skanky furball without a backward glance, like the heartless bastard he was? Now angry, Leia jabbed the comm unit, typing in Han's number. She'd give him a piece of her mind... as soon as he answered.

@}~~}~~~~

Ackbar paused in front of Leia's door. He would knock this time. He would. He paused, raised his hand, and lowered it again. _I can't do this. She's married to Han. She loves him. It's not right for me to... but I have to. I love her._ He knocked at the door. 

Leia answered, her hair loose around her shoulders and her beautiful face creased in a frown. "What?" she said rudely. Then her face softened as she saw who her caller was. "I'm sorry, Ackbar. Come on in." Ackbar coughed nervously and walked through the door. _I can't tell her... but I have to._

"Leia," he stammered, "There's something I have to tell you..." 

@}~~}~~~~

When Ackbar finished, Leia was crying. "Oh, Ackbar," she wept, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I should have known. But I... I mean, I'm married to Han. He's my husband, and I... I love him, Ackbar. I'm sorry."

Ackbar nodded. _I never expected her to reciprocate. But it hurts, having even your most improbable hopes dashed._ "I'm sorry too. I had to tell you. It was eating me alive. I'll go now."

"Ackbar-" Leia stopped. Ackbar turned, about to start crying himself. Leia collapsed onto the couch, sobbing. "Oh, Ackbar..." He stood silently, not knowing what to do.

Suddenly, from the corner of the room, the comm unit beeped. Quickly, Leia gathered her hair into a neat ponytail and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Now presentable, she stood in front of the screen. A holographic Han appeared on the unit, looking triumphant. "Leia, Chewie and I..."

"Aaaargh!" Leia screamed, slamming one fist down on the unit, shutting it off. She kicked the leg of a table, toppling it, a chrystal decanter, and a pile of magazines onto the carpet. The decanter shattered, the brandy inside spreading like a bloodstain. Leia stared at it for a moment. Then she turned to Ackbar, fire in her eyes. With measured step, she crossed the room towards Ackbar, stopping only inches from him "Admiral," she said sultrily, releasing her hair from its ponytail and letting it fall softly around her body. "Speak to me of love"

@}~~}~~~~

"That was so wierd." said Han, spinning around from the comm unit. "I heard this wierd noise, and then we were cut off."

Wedge's smirk was almost audible over the radio transmission. "I don't want to shatter your illusions, but it sounded to me like she screamed and hung up. Um, not that I was listening in."

From the co-pilot's seat, Chewie whuffled an agreement.

Han snorted. "Whatever happened to privacy? Geez, you guys. I don't listen in on your private conversations. I wonder why she hung up. Oh well...

@}~~}~~~~

Ackbar, with an incredible triumph of willpower, managed to grab Leia by the shoulders and hold her away from him. "Leia, this isn't right." he said, staring at the vision before him. _I love her... and that is why I can't do this. I want to, but she'll hate me in the morning, and I don't think I'll ever be able to live with that._ Leia slumped, the fire gone from her.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so fucking mad at Han, I could kill him. I _know_ he's screwing Chewbacca, I know it! But..." she trailed off, crying softly. Ackbar put one hand on her shoulder to comfort her. _I wish I could take her in my arms and... no. I can't do that. She's not mine and never will be._ _It's him she loves._ He stared at the floor, unable to look at Leia lest he never look away.

@}~~}~~~~

As the Falcon and the two snubfighters dropped out of hyperspace in the Correlian system, Wedge's stomach solidified into a ball of lead. Altec city- where he'd been born. Where he'd grown up, from his childhood to the trauma of his adolescence. Where Spike, his tormenter, had beaten him and shoved his head in a high school toilet. Where he'd had his locker filled with Alderaanian carpenter centipedes. Where his trombone had ended many a day wrapped around his neck. He shuddered in horror. Altec city... he couldn't go back there, to face his former classmates. Given his status as hero of the Rebellion, they wouldn't treat him with disrespect, but the contempt would be there. Veiled, yes, but still undeniably there. Unlike Leia, and Han, and Luke, these people had known him when he was 14, with an awful haircut and metal braces on his teeth. In Altec city lay the past he didn't want anyone to know about, least of all the _Enquirer._ He'd have to stop them printing that article...

"Altec city to snubfighters, you are cleared for landing." Wedge heard over the comm. The ball of lead in his stomach gained a few more kilograms.

"Roger that" he croaked nervously in a voice not quite his own, as he pointed the X wing's nose planetward in preparation for landing at Altec spaceport.

@}~~}~~~~

His stomach knotted into a ball of nervous fear, Wedge popped open the cockpit of his snubfighter. "Well, if it isn't my old friend Wedgie." jeered a mocking voice from the ground. Wedge leaned down. Leaning on the s-foil was the very figure Wedge had hoped not to see again- his old nemsis Spike Scutigera. "Glad to see me?" Spike continued, sneering. "Do you still get beaten up in the Alliance? I bet you missed me."

"Why should I " answered Wedge as he climbed out of the cockpit. "You made my life hell for 6 years. You claim to be so strong," He jumped to the ground. As he had in high school, Wedge still only came up to Spike's shoulder. Even so, he felt the sudden flaring of righteous courage. "But where were you when the Death Star destroyed Alderaan? Where were you when the walkers were advancing on Echo Base? Where were you when the Empire was slaughtering innocent people? Did you even care, much less do anything about it? No, you stayed here. And why? Because you can never be more than you are now. You've never done anything significant, and you never-"

Wedge's tirade was cut short by a roundhouse punch to the jaw. His head snapped back as his legs crumpled under him, and he fell to the ground.

@}~~}~~~~

"Ackbar..." Leia pleaded. "I don't care if it's not right. I...I love you."

Ackbar's jaw dropped. He took a step backwards. "Leia-" he started, then stopped. What could he say? He'd expected... what had he expected? Certainly not this. _But isn't this what you've been dreaming about since you met her? Now she can be yours- what do you do?_

Suddenly, she was in his arms. She was _kissing_ him. Ackbar could hear his heart pounding in counterpoint with hers. He felt her lips against his face, and felt only the slightest twinge of guilt as she lead him towards the bedroom.

@}~~}~~~~

Wedge came to several minutes later, his jaw throbbing where Spike had hit him. Luke and Han were picking him up from the docking bay floor, Luke handing him a tissue to wipe the blood from his face. 

"Who was that?" Luke enquired.

"Um... someone I knew in high school. We were never great friends."

"That's obvious. So why'd he knock you out?"

"He didn't like the way I played trombone."

"You played- "

A pained scream and Han's shout drowned out the rest of Luke's question. "Shit, Chewie! That was totally unnecessary!"

Wedge and Luke looked behind them. Chewbacca stood over Spike, who was unconscious and pale with shock. One of his arms was detached and held by the Wookiee. The exposed bone in his shoulder was very red. Around him, a pool of blood was spreading quickly.

@}~~}~~~~

"But I swear it! I really am Han Solo!"

The burly corellian policeman laughed, a piglike grunt. "Yeah." he sneered. "And I'm Princess Leia. Come with me, buster." Three corsec officers handcuffed Han, Luke and Wedge, as three more subdued the raging Chewbacca. An ambulence screeched to a halt, siren blaring, and Spike was loaded onto a stretcher and placed inside, as doctors frantically tried to ease the bleeding from the stump of his shoulder.

After a long and uncomfortable trip in the back of Corsec speeders, the three found themselves in a small grey cell, a forcefield blocking the exit. Chewbacca lay partially tranquilized, sprawled half on the floor and half on one narrow bunk. Wedge sat, slumped, dejected, and with a large bruise forming on his jaw, on the other one. Han paced along the diagonal of the cell as Luke sat cross-legged on the floor, the very picture of serenity. Han grumbled unintelligably, and aimed a kick at the Jedi in repose. Luke, sensing Han's agression, ducked. Han's foot contacted the wall. "Ow, fuck!" he yelled, hopping like a giant chicken on an acid trip.

"Keep it down in there, boys." droned the guard tonelessly from outside as he propped his booted feet up on his desk and opened a newspaper in front of his face.

It was the _Interplanetary Enquirer_, and emblazoned on the front page was a picture of Wedge and Luke- kissing.

_When did this happen?_ thought Wedge in a panic._ Did this happen? Could it be that the moment I've been waiting for for so long has already passed, and I missed it? Wait- this is the _Enquirer_. Doctored pictures... damn._ Suddenly, he jerked upright. _What if Luke were to see? He'd begin to think about... might get ideas... oh shit, this is bad. But maybe- no, don't delude yourself. Of course he doesn't feel the same. He's a Jedi knight. Upright and honorable. What was that they said? There is no passion, only serenity. Of course he doesn't love me._ Still, he turned his head in Luke's direction, wondering if his friend had seen the picture, too.

Luke was staring right back at him.

@}~~}~~~~

The dingy orange coruscant sunrise broke through the curtains, making the room glow and waking up Ackbar. Mumbling, without opening his eyes, he pulled the covers over his head, trying to go back to sleep, when suddenly he remembered where he was, and what had happened last night. Smiling contentedly, he opened his eyes and took in the vision lying at his side. Leia's hair spread on the pillow like a halo and caressed the curves of her body under the sheet. _She... she was mine. _Is_ mine. She loves me._ Grinning a piscine grin, he reached for a bathrobe draped over a chair. He got out of the bed, and re-arranged the sheets around Leia. After spending a moment gazing at the beauty whose bed he'd shared, he padded to the window and threw open the curtains to greet the day. 

A bright light exploded in his face. Flailing and blinking through the red haze in his eyes, Ackbar managed to see a round shape outside his window. "Leia!" he yelled, as the red turned to orange, then green, then finally a cold blue. "Get to cover! We're under attack!" Leia, disheveled, naked, and not quite awake, jumped from the bed and dove behind a chair as more lights flashed, snatching a hold-out blaster from Ackbar's discarded uniform on the way. Scrabbling in a nearby dresser drawer, she unearthed another blaster and tossed it to Ackbar. He caught it and aimed it at the shape outside the window, which as his vision returned, sharpened and formed itself into a transport. An Interplanetary Enquirer snoop transport. Complete with a camera aimed directly at the window.

Ackbar reached towards the window and yanked the curtains shut as Leia slowly lowered her blaster, a shocked look on her face. "Sithspit." she said. "We are so fucking dead."

@}~~}~~~~

"When did that happen?" Luke asked, amazement coloring his usually serene voice. "Why don't I remember it? And how... I mean, I look so _dumb_! What was I on???"

"It didn't. Happen, I mean. That's why you don't remember it." stammered Wedge. "It's a fake. They made it... with computers. And... scissors."

Luke peered through the forcefield at the guard's newspaper. "You know, I think you're right. Isn't that a little bit of Qwi's chin there?"

"I don't think so." Wedge blushed. "I never... um... yeah." _This is ridiculous. I should tell him now,_ he thought.

"You never kissed Qwi? But you two were so..."

Han looked up from his injured foor. "You never kissed Qwi? Wedge, you lame-ass little_ nerd_! I keep telling you, you'll never get any until you stop being such a puritan!"

"Um.. yeah." He gathered his courage. "Luke, I think I should tell you..."

The forcefield buzzed, and five Corsec officers stepped through it. On their sleeves was the green and gold insignia of the Diktat's Special Forces. Training their blaster rifles on the prisoners, they herded the humans from the cell as two more loaded Chewbacca, still unconscious, onto a stretcher and carried him out. "The Diktat requests your prescense, Solo." said the sargeant sacrastically. "You will come with us."

@}~~}~~~~

"Careful... Chewie, don't move! Ok, good." Wedge stood up, marveling at the new sensation of being thirteen feet tall. Jamming his fingers into small cracks in the slimy stone walls, he held tightly for balance. Chewie growled, the motion of his shoulders causing Wedge to sway. "Hold still!" he hissed, gripping the stones tighter. By letting go with one hand and standing tiptoe on the Wookie's shoulders, he could just barely reach the small barred window near the top of the cell. For the hundredth time, Wedge wished that the Diktat of Corellia wasn't so into medieval architecture.. "Ok, Luke, now toss me the lightsaber!"

Luke was curled up in a corner, looking pale and drawn. Above his head, an Ysalamir was draped on its nutrient frame, somehow managing to look smug. "Luke?" Wedge repeated. "The lightsaber?" Luke opened his eyes and threw the saber.. It hit the wall, two feet wide of the mark. Chewie roared in frustration as he lowered Wedge to the dungeon floor. Wedge crossed the dungeon and. "Luke, I understand that that thing is kind of screwing you up right now, but you have to try. It's the only way we can get out of here and save Han." Luke nodded.

Wedge returned to the window and resumed his position on Chewbacca's shoulders. Luke aimed the lightsaber with almost exaggerated caution and threw it. In a beautiful arc, it left his hand and flew towards Wedge, perfectly on the mark. Wedge's hands reached out to catch it... and missed. "Oh crap!" yelled Wedge as the lightsaber hit him in the face. He felt himself losing his balance. Chewie roared in panic as Wedge's feet slipped from his shoulders. Luke gasped and stood up as Wedge's head hit the concrete floor with a sickening smack.

@}~~}~~~~

Chapter 3- The Great Escape and Fun with Newspapers

Luke jumped up. Running across the dingy cell, he knelt by his friend. Wedge lay on the concrete floor where he'd fallen. He looked very pale, and blood ran from a cut on his temple. "Wedge?"

Wedge's eyelids fluttered. "Luke?" he stammered weakly, then slipped back into unconsciousness.

Luke surveyed his injuries... One of Wedge's arms seemed broken, but that paled in comparison to the head trauma. Luke could see, even without the Force to aid him, that his friend had a bad concussion. Wedge's pupils were fixed and dialated, his breathing shallow. A huge lump was forming on the side of his head, and the cut Luke had noticed before was bleeding profusely. Without prompt medical attention, Wedge might not wake up. The thought made Luke laugh, a sharp humorless sound. _Medical attention? We're in the Diktat's dungeon! Miles from a hospital, even if we could get out, and then neither of us have proper Corellian papers. And Chewie's not exactly inconspicuous, either! If we were stopped... _Luke racked his brain._ If only that Ysalamir weren't there... I could try to put him in a healing trance. But without the force, what can I do? _He knew the answer. _Nothing._

The ysalamir had to go. Groping in the darkness of the cell, Luke found his lightsaber. The blade hissed into existance, illuminating the cell. Then, Luke swung it, neatly halving the ysalamir, nutrient frame and all. Like a river rushing over a broken dam, the Force returned to the cell, making Luke feel whole again. As the creature crashed to the floor behind him, Luke rushed to Wedge's side again. Lightly, he touched his friend's forehead. He could sense disconnected thoughts, feelings... here and there an image. From the chaotic nature of the mind, the Jedi could tell that Wedge was as badly injured as he looked, if not worse. He probed deeper, drawing on the Force to send Wedge into a healing trance. The images flashed by, images of Altec City, of Yavin, of Rogue Squadron and Qwi Xux, of... him and Luke? Doing WHAT?!?

@}~~}~~~~

"This meeting of the New Republic council is now in session." President Mon Mothma rapped the table with a small gavel to get the group's attention. The sound started Leia from her mesmerized scrutiny of the other members. _Why does Fey'lya have that obnoxious smirk on his face? It looks so different from his normal obnoxious smirk... could he know? And the Bith ambassador looks so pinched and disaproving! Of course, the Bith are still smarting from Han's Kloo Horn Joke... come to think of it, did he ever make that apology? I don't think so... no, he went gallivanting around the galaxy with his big furry bitch Chewie. That bastard._ Leia perused more faces around the table. _Are they frowning at me? Is it because they don't stand with me on political issues, or because they_ know?_ What would they say if they did?_

@}~~}~~~~

_I love her. That's all there is to say. I love her._ Admiral Ackbar stared at Leia from across the council table. She was standing, her voice and stance regal as she debated with the Bith ambassador. _What are they arguing about?_ he thought._ I don't know... How can I hang onto her words when she holds her head like that? How can I think about politics when her dress hangs so beautifully, accenting the soft curve of her breast? How can I... _

"Admiral?" said Mon Mothma. "Your report?"

Ackbar jumped to his feet in panic. Frantically, he searched his uniform for the datapad that held the details of some military strike...he couldn't remember._ Where is it? Was I staring? Am I too obvious? Where is it?_ Then he remembered. _The news helicopter... Leia... I was so shaken I left it on the bureau. Damn._

"Admiral?"

Ackbar stood up. Only one thing to do. _Run!!!_ his mind screamed. However, a more rational part of him prevailed. Scooping a random datapad from the table, he examined the title. "Complaint from Rogue Squadron, re: Pizza for lunch" , it read. Ackbar cleared his throat. _I can work with this._ He adjusted the pad in his hands, cleared his throat again, and started to B.S.

@}~~}~~~~

The guards shoved Han Solo into a large room. The whole area was made of dark blue-grey stone, as gothic in style as the rest of the prison. It was slightly remeniscent of Jabba's palace, but instead of the slimy dias where the Hutt lounged, there was an ornate throne. And ensconced in said throne like a Roman emperor of the decadent period was the diktat of Corellia-

"Thrakan." Han was dismayed to see his sociopathic cousin.

"Well, well well, if it isn't Han Solo!" The diktat laughed snidely as he pushed a button on the arm of his throne. Han half expected the floor to open under him- his cousin seemed to emulate Jabba in every way- but instead, a large door opened on the wall across from the throne. With an imperious gesture to the four soldiers who had entered the chamber, Thrackan commanded- "Bring out.. the Gimp!"

@}~~}~~~~

 Luke stared at his fallen comrade, frozen in shock. _Wedge?!? Thinking THAT?!? about ME?!?!?_ The idea was beyond contemplation. Nonetheless, Luke tried desperately to wrap his mind around this strange new information. _Wedge?!? Thinking THAT?!? About ME?!?!?_ That was all the further he could go. It was too confusing. For a moment he sat back on his heels, trying to understand, but a roar from Chewie brought him back to reality. Pushing these thoughts to the back of his mind, he continued the healing trance.

Soon, Wedge's eyes fluttered open. "Luke?" he said weakly.

_Is it just me, _thought Luke, _or is he looking at me funny?_

"It's just you." said Wedge unexpectedly. Luke stood up suddenly and backed away, for in his panic he had forgotten the echoes that remained after the linking of minds. "What? What did I do?" asked Wedge, sitting up and then laying back down as the world spun around him. With the dizziness came a series of fractured images from Luke that told him well enough what he had done. Wedge turned scarlet, looked at the floor and muttered, "Oh. Crap."

Luke laid his hand on Wedge's. "Sorry." he said, also looking at the floor.

After an interminable moment of slience, Wedge smiled weakly. "Luke, how about using that force of yours to get us out of here? 

@}~~}~~~~

Of all the bizarre things that had happened to Han in his years with the empire, as a smuggler, and as a New Republic General, this was the most bizzare yet. Bizzare so disturbing that it would make the most jaded _Interplanetary Enquirer_ reporter pale with horror. Violently, Han Solo scooped a blob of silver polish out of the tin onto the rag in his hand. The Gimp was chained to a post in the middle of the room and he looked brilliant after only ten minutes. The nasty looking spikes and studs that adorned his whole leather-clad body gleamed like a new bondage chain... which, of course, was what Han was currently shining. He pulled his mind off of this repulsive thought, and struggled with the voice that whispered, "Why does Thrackan have the Gimp in his closet?" He turned his attention to an area of metallic adornment that he didn't want to think about. The Diktat snickered obscenely, but he ignored that, too. He'd think of home... of Leia... of anything but silver polish, saddle soap, and a slightly worse for the wear Gimp who needed to be made aesthetically pleasing RIGHT NOW.

@}~~}~~~~~

The air vents were dark, so dark that no normal human being could find his way through. Luckily, Chewbacca was a wookie and had no problem with the somber environment. Unfortunately, it also meant that he was treated to a view of Luke Skywalker's ass as he, Wedge, and Chewie crawled through what seemed like miles and miles of endless ductwork. Luke was in the lead, using his Force ability to predict the twists and drops in the narrow passage. When he stopped suddenly at the edge of a pit, Wedge and Chewie almost pushed him over the edge.

Luke turned to Wedge and looked at him seriously. "Do you remember your childhood, " he asked, when you used to go to the playground with your parents?"

Wedge nodded, apprehensive at Luke's pop-psychobabble tone.

"Do you remember those long slides, the ones that were inside the tube?"

Wedge nodded again, vaguely remembering being suspended by the feet from the top of one.

"Did you like them?" Luke asked, as he pushed Wedge into the pit. 

More childhood memories flashed back to Wedge- how the static electricity used to mess up his hair, how the tube was so long he could never see the end, and when he came out of the tube, there was always someone waiting for him at the bottom. When he was very young, it was his mother. Later on, it was Spike Scutigera. Then came the savage beating....

Wedge's feet hit metal; smashed through it. He crashed through the air vent and flew across the room, hitting the opposite wall before bouncing off onto the floor. A solitary Corsec officer stared in shock. "What the fuck?" he exclaimed, seconds before Chewbacca rocketed from the vent and crushed him to death. Luke slid out of the opening and landed gracefully on his feet.

The room was small, only about eight feet wide and twice as long. One wall appeared to be the observer's side of a two-way mirror. The other wall had a conveniently located gun rack on it, with an assortment of impressive weapons. The three escapees were soon armed to the teeth, and Wedge busied himself by changing into the uniform of the fallen guard. There was a comlink in one pocket, a military issue that only broadcast on one frequency. Wedge touched the button. "Er... Vettelknapfenschladdenschammerund? Hey, Vettelknapfenschladdenschammerund! Come take a look at this!" Wedge barked in a clipped, military tone.

A voice crackled over the comlink. " This is Vettelknapfenschladdenschammerund. Be right there, sir, over and out."

Luke stared, amazed. "Where the _hell_ did you come up with that guy's name?"

"I made it up." Wedge shrugged as the door opened.

With one clean motion, Luke drew his saber and decapitated the unfortunate Vettelknapfenschladdenschammerund. Soon, the body was lying in its underwear, and Luke sported a slighly used Corsec uniform. He stared down at the headless body for a long time, then finally picked up one limp hand and placed it on the other dead man's butt. Straightening up, he caught a glimpse of what was beyond the two way mirror. "Smeggin' Hell." he breathed.

Wedge and Chewie joined Luke by the window, all three fairly drooling at the sight of the magnificent tank.

@}~~}~~~~

The room was silent except for the slide of a cloth over leather and metal. Thrackan was getting bored of watching his cousin clean off the Gimp... humiliation was only entertaining for so long before it got boring, he discovered. He slumped lower in his throne. _La la la la la...... Oh look. There is a spider on the ceiling. It's making a web... hmmm..._

"Boom" The wall behind him shuddered slightly. _That's strange... these walls are four feet thick..._ "Boom". Thrackan turned to look, and the wall exploded in his face. An enormous black and green tank rolled over the throne, causing the stone floor to buckle and crack underneath it. Belching grey smoke, it rolled to a stop less than a foot away from Han. The one-time smuggler was laughing, mostly out of nervousness, but also because Thrackan Sal-Solo was crushed under one of the gigantic caterpillar tractors like the Wicked Witch of the East under Dorthy's house. Squished people are funny. A large part of Han's laugh was also relief, because the top hatch had just popped open to reveal Luke, Wedge, and Chewie. It reminded Han of a similar incident... but this time the company was more welcome than Ewoks. Wedge crawled out of the tank and walked around the room, taking pictures with a small camera.

@}~~}~~~~

Four hyperspace days later, Han was lured from the cockpit of the Falcon by hysterical laughter from the aft compartment. Luke and Wedge were sitting cross legged on the floor, pictures of the sparkling clean Gimp spread around them. Wedge had a datapad, which already contained several lines of text. "What are you doing?" asked Han, surveying the pictures to make sure of his non-representation in them.

Luke grinned, and Han was suddenly extremely aware that beneath the benevolent Jedi demeanor, this was still Vader's son. "We're writing, Han." Luke snickered.

@}~~}~~~~

 To be continued...


End file.
